26 January 2012

No Cooked Products

You know what else you can eat in the dorms?

Raw food.

Except I call it fruit, vegetables, and nuts.

It means you hate your life, don't know how to cook, or reaaaally like smoothies.

I ran out of time to make dinner this morning since I have class at 6 so I threw an avocado, a banana, raisins, and almonds in a container and mashed them together when I got to class. It was disgusting.

There's a reason homeless people like hot meals.

23 January 2012

No Animal Products

I made dinner that was close to vegan the other night and it made me want to cry.

So I put butter in it.

You can do this in the dining hall, but you'll need a knife. It's great for your knife skills.

I stole this (sort of not really) from an old job's "pastaless" meal...
You julienne the vegetables in your fridge, fry/steam them in water and sesame oil, and watch dismally as you put them over spinach.

What are you doing with your life?

Use the whatever's left in the pan and the white wine that is still in the fridge to make a weird sauce. Add butter at the end to compensate for the amount of carbohydrate you're about to inflict.

20 January 2012

Got Jumped Part II

I don't want to exploit an event that actually shook me up for attention, so I'll keep the details to a minimum so you can get a gist.

Because this actually happened to me, and nothing EVER happens to me. Like scary things.

SO I was biking home from work where we were doing a food tasting and this guy on the corner is all, that guy down there just got jumped.

And I was all, yah right. I'm tired of talking to crazies for today.

But then I actually looked up and saw this guy staggering toward us.

Long story short, I ended up sitting in the back of the cop car because I was a witness, even though I didn't see anything, with the guy who got beat up.

Some dealers had stopped him because they said he owed them money, he said he didn't, so they started shoving and kicking him. Then one pulled a gun, the guy grabbed for it, and two shots were fired. Kids freaked out, pistol whipped him, and took off. He was covered in blood and one of his shoes came off. I sat there staring at the paramedics and swiftly learning their protocol, told the cops a bunch of useless information that they already knew, and went home.

I flopped onto my bed for thirty seconds and then went to my man's place to drink tea and eat chili with beer and play nazi zombies. I promise, it's not a regular thing but it's pretty good for a troubled mind.

how to make a croquette:

get a log of goat cheese.
use dental floss to slice it into tight circles.
coat with crushed almonds.
fry for a hot second.
put it on a beautiful plate. It only deserves the best.

19 January 2012

Got jumped Part I

Here's how to make Swedish meatballs:
Ground pork
Ground beef
1 leek, 1 onion: fry in butter.
Soak soft bread in milk. Remove as much crust as possible or it will burn and you'll look stupid.
Combine, form into balls. Brown in cooking oil.
Finish in the oven at 350. Use your 15 minutes to browse YouTube for videos about yoga instructors that use terms like "genitals" and "pubic bone" and "grab some cheek" more than once per class.

Serve with SourCream sauce. Fold in the sour cream at the end so it doesn't curdle. Five spice, flour, and milk are your other ingredients.

Serve the leftovers the next day with the ketchup you made to a French anarchist, a marathon runner, and an experienced banjo player. But, you will serve it with your new favorite thing, a goat cheese croquette.

Up next --- the realest thing that ever happened to me. I think... Mom am I allowed to publish that online?